If you are reading this, may I ask you to consider a few things? This post is a raw, authentic, from the heart post. All that I write is from the heart, but this is a topic that is very personal for me. One that is “heavy” on my heart and has been for a long time. I am not a person who shares her personal struggles easily. I keep things “close to the chest”. I tend to do this because I have had experiences where I have been judged when I have shared my personal struggles. And that judgement hurts my heart.
So, if you choose to continue reading this post, I want to ask that you please be kind. If you leave a comment, please choose your words carefully. My purpose is to authentically share “real” things that are going on in my life…in my home that those who visit and read my thoughts can see, NOT ME, but The Christ in whom I find my hope. So, if you choose to read on, please keep these thoughts in mind and I thank you for it. Here goes!
You can google “homeschooling” and visit any number of pages declaring” “This is how we homeschool”, “this is what we did today”, “My kids are angels. They never misbehave and fight about doing school. I never have any problems with them”.
Okay, I have never actually read that last comment in those exact words but, have you ever read a post that divulged that “dirty little secret” that every homeschooling day is NOT perfect? You can easily be lead to believe that nobody “who writes about their homeschool experience online” ever has a bad day(s)!
Boy, is that sooooo not true in this house! I want to write honestly about how difficult homeschooling can be. At least for me. At least for our house.
Today was another difficult day on the homeschooling front. I use the word “Front” because many times doing this homeschooling thing is a “battle”, “a war”. Homeschooling pushes me to the bring of my insanity most days. Many times it tests my true reliance on my Lord and Savior, my hope which is in Christ Jesus.
We’ve been homeschooling for the last 7 years, the boys and I. (I have 2, ages almost 16 and 13.) There have been good days and bad days, days that we muddle through, days that seem to never end. Today was one of those days that I would rather not repeat, but seem to be repeating in an infinite loop.
I have two boys. One is Dyslexic. One is Defiant. It is difficult to know how to school either of them. I am not a expert on teaching either one. Their needs (and behaviors) are vastly different yet they need so much of me. They both need the same things, my time, my instruction, my heart and so much more.
Here comes the reason that I wrote the above paragraphs so, please be kind. I’m laying my heart on the line here. My raw, authentic, broken wide open heart.
Oh, so many times it is oh, so hard to give of these things.
Honestly, I find it easier to give of my time, my instruction, and my heart to my compliant, eager to please Dyslexic son. I struggle to give of these things to my Defiant son. When he fights and pushes. When he blames and pouts. When he wants to do what he wants to do yet again I find myself short tempered and I yell. There, I said it. I yell. It sickens me. It saddens me. I am ashamed. You could call it a Major Mom Fail! I do!
Yet, many times he seems to be the one who needs these my time, my instruction and my heart the most.
It is at times like this, in situations like this that God says “Are you looking in the mirror? Do you see any resemblance of this in yourself?” And I humbly cry with tears streaming down my cheeks “of course, I do.” And it is at these times that I so desperately need God’s time, his instruction and his heart.
I am so thankful and full of appreciation that God does not “yell” at me in my sinfulness. He does not withhold his time, his instruction and most importantly his heart! In my fighting and pushing, blaming and pouting and downright defiance he gently disciplines me through the power of the Holy Spirit. He convicts my soul. Then he envelops me in his arms, whispers his love for me, extends grace and showers me with mercy. Praise the Lord!
Oh, how I long to be like Christ! How I long to respond with grace and mercy!
There is hope! There is help through this loving God!
My grace is sufficient for you, for power is made perfect in weakness” 2 Corinthians 12: 9
Have you ever had a Major Mom Fail that God has used to discipline you and to show you his love? What verses do you cling to that give you hope? How has God worked in your life to bring you to a new place through the hope he has given you?